I'm not pregnant.
I just thought I'd get that out there since EVERYONE around me seems to be. No, I'm not bitter (okay, maybe just a tad) I guess the more proper word to describe the feeling is sad (okay and maybe a little jealous ,I'm trying to be honest here.) Don't get me wrong. I am so happy for all these people around me that are having babies. I really am!
I always thought I had a plan. We planned on Carly and I planned that three years later we'd try for a second.
Oops....15 months later we found out about Sam. I embraced the fact that things didn't go according to plan. We had Sam. We love him. We (or maybe just I) thought two years apart isn't bad. So, we tried again when Sam was 15 months old.
Not pregnant.
Not pregnant again.
and again.
Now, Sam will be three in May. THREE!
Still NOT pregnant.
I'm not sure how to embrace it this time. The fact that I'm not in control. It's quite exhausting! I don't know how people do it, when they don't already have kids. I love my kids, they are happy, healthy, active and they love me. But nothing is quite as bad as wanting another child and not being able to get it. I thought for a while "Do I really want another child, or just another baby? " We all know that babies grow up to be 2 year olds, and so on and so on. The answer came back that I wanted another Child. I want another spirit in this family to raise up on this earth, to love and laugh with, to cry with (and sometimes even cry because of it)
Every month it's the same. I start off thinking it's okay. I'm okay with two kids (although deep, but not too deep, down inside I'm really thinking the opposite)
Then the next phase of the month comes where I really think I've come to terms with it. I really feel happy and okay with the two I've been blessed with.
Then phase three. I find myself hoping that phase four doesn't happen.
Then phase four comes. I'm officially not pregnant. Honestly, my heart breaks every time.
I have learned some things from this little experience we are going through...
*I am not in control. (okay, I still might be working on this one) But, i have a better understanding of who is really in control.
*Patience (okay, I'm still working on this one too)
*Appreciating Carly and Sam. Without them I wouldn't be a mother. I've really been able to focus on the fact that they are truly children of God. They are just on loan to me to raise on this earth. They truly are blessings and I can never and should never take them for granted.
*Dealing with my emotions. (okay, this one is on my list of things to do. I still don't do this one very well)
*I should pray to have peace of mind and the ability to handle certain situations rather than just praying that I get pregnant.
*Things really do happen for a reason. If we'd had a baby when we originally planned. I would have a 7 or 8 month old. We may have never bought this house because it has only two bedrooms. (and honestly, I love this house and our land!) Maybe subconsciously my body is not allowing itself to get pregnant until we add more bedrooms??? (okay, it probably doesn't work that way but trust me, I've thought of every scenario as to why it hasn't happened)
So, all in all, I guess what I'm trying to say is.....well, I'm not really sure. I just need to get things off my chest. Out in the open. I will probably still hope and pray for another. I will also hope and pray that I will be okay if this is all that is in store for our little family. Life will go on. I HAVE been blessed to be a mother and I am grateful for that!!
6 comments:
Not quite sure what to say here since all I had to do was basically think about it and WHAM-O, PREGO! ;) I wish I could transfer some of my fertility to you since I am done with it. You are on the right track though. Use this time to strengthen your relationship with Heavenly Father, really appreciate the kids that you have and just try not to stress about it. If there is another sweet spirit up there that belongs in your family- he/she will make it here. Mark waited 7 years after his sister, Kathi, was born. I know he was up there with Sherrie saying, "Just wait- be patient. If we wait a little bit longer, we will be spoiled rotten because mom will be all tuckered out from the other kids." (She had 4 kids- 5 and under.) So maybe that's what is happening. Your sweet, little, CALM child is up there patiently waiting until Carly and Sam get bigger and maybe go to school so it won't be chaos and he/she can have you to his/her self! ;) Hang in there kiddo. You are in my prayers always and just think- if it's not meant to be then once Sam grows up and moves out in about 16 years or so, you and Chad will be footloose and fancy free! Traveling, missions- all while you are still relatively young! There's something to be said about that... I know I am looking forward to that stage in my life. Love ya sis- you're a fantastic mommy and an awesome sister. :)
I love your honesty although it makes me so sad. I think about you often and pray that you guys will have what your heart desires at the right time.
I hope you can find peace and faith that all things will come together for you good because no one deserves it more then you!!
I want another spirit in this family to raise up on this earth, to love and laugh with,
*to cry with (and sometimes even cry because of it)*
Your words between the stars is what this mom is doing right now. My heart breaks when your heart breaks. That is what is so wonderful about being a mom. Just know that there are prayers coming your way from Dad and I, we pray for you and your family every night together. If I have learned one thing it is that...that I am not in control and being the control freak that I am it has taken a long time for me to accept that, I still struggle with it. I try every day to put my life in the Lords hands knowing that he will do a much better job with my life than I ever will do. You do have two beautiful little spirits from our Heavenly Father and you are the best mom ever to them. Just get caught up in raising them and getting your house the way you want it and devoting your life to Heavenly Fathers Plan and the rest will work it self out, I don't know how I just know it will. I love you and I can't wait to see you in Feb and come and give you a big mommy squeeze and kiss ;)
When it comes to writing thoughts down and have them make sense I totally lack in that area.
I have to say ditto to the three WONDERFUL women who have already commented.
I totally believe that they come when it's there time. After all I WANTED Luke to be a March baby and that didn't happen.
You are a GREAT mother (if only I could have the patients you have).
I LOVE you and your cute family!!
crazy how we all learn similar lessons in different ways...Mitch has been looking for a job for-ever...and we have had to learn a lot about faith and patience through the whole process. I am sure you probably already read them but there are a lot of good articles in the last Ensign that have to do with faith and hope...and on a medical note, have you met with a doctor? Clomid might help. Sorry you are going through a tough time.
Thank You for the mommy talk! I LOVE your honesty- and I have BEEN THERE! So I know just how you are feeling! We always knew that Jayce was going to come to our home but after nearly 7 years of trying- I gave up- and actually looked into adoption and foster parenting because that looked like the only way that we would receive this little boy.
Funny thing is that I was more shocked than anyone when 9 years had passed between kids and the doctor called me to tell me I was expecting- by that time I had given up and moved on. I KNEW- without a doubt that this little spirit was waiting - but I was helpless- so I just let it go! (sounds a lot easier than it really was)
Turns out that this little boy came when Heavenly Father wanted him to come!
My love and prayers! You are an amazing lady!
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